


Moon Above Water

by HeavenSentGohansRage



Category: One Piece
Genre: Akuma no Mi | Devil Fruit, Angst, Asexual Zoro, Bad Decisions, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Gender Issues, In other words:, M/M, New World (One Piece), No Smut, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Post-Time Skip, Sanji Has A Sexuality Crisis, Sanji's POV, non-native speaker writer, pining sanji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-08-22 05:16:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16591523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenSentGohansRage/pseuds/HeavenSentGohansRage
Summary: A devil fruit power that can take any obsessive thoughts away: fears, anxieties, desires.Sounds too good to be true, though not an opportunity a proud Swordsman will take- yet Zoro does.And while Sanji is more worried about the outcomes that from now on Zoro may be, in a way, less than himself, than he is about /what/ exactly has been given away-  it also leads him to discover that he has some pieces of his own to finally accept.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please be easy on me with that one, it's something I've started after being less than a year in the fandom- and by that, not even completing the entire series yet ^^" But it's Zoro's birthday today, so I thought it was a nice date to launch this one.
> 
> So yeah, don't expect to find too much plot here (or even one which is well-built), but considering I've just finished posting a 300k+ fic (of another fandom) which ended up dealing so much with the plot that the ship itself almost got lost in it- I can't blame myself T-T
> 
> As for updates- I don't want to promise anything, as I have less and less free time the closer I get to the end of the semester. Moreover, after such a long project I've invested myself with for the last four years, I want to take my time with this one as a wind-down, since overworking on it will only eat away my motivation.
> 
> English isn't my native language, so sorry for any mistakes! (if you find anything I'd love you to mention it for me though!)

“The Goal-Goal Fruit?” Luffy parrots in wonder as the crew listens to the story of the old woman.

“Yes,” she confirms. “By receiving one of more of one’s greatest desires, I’m loaded with energy which I can bend in various ways. They can be any passion a person has, be it an anxiety, a fear, longing- any possible motive that can drives one towards a certain target in life, which will acquire him the utmost of happiness and peace of mind, and motivate men’s body keep holding on and fighting despite their exhaustion.”

“I see,” Nami-san, the ever-beautiful observer, nods. “So you convert it to make the forcefield that blocks the lava’s path to get to the town?”

“That’s right.” A sad smile is curved upon the old lady’s face. “There are a lot of wonderful ways in which I can manipulate this energy, but if it wasn’t for that certain tool of protection- I’d be kicked out of this island a long time ago. People are afraid of the possibility to be robbed of the desire which they cherish the most, you see.”

Sometimes it takes longer for Sanji to be in fond of old women who have already started to wrinkle, but that particular one has drawn his heart to go out for her almost immediately.

He remembers the great confusion when no one else’s voice rose above the eruption of the volcano, beside those of the crew; the locals just continued in their calm daily routines, barely reacting to either the bursting magma- and if they actually stopped to wince or turn their head for not more than a moment, it was only because of the loud noise they were making.

It was explained a few seconds after, though, when all of the sudden the entire island -- starting from the area surrounding the eruption hole, all the way to the beach -- was covered with what looked like a purple shield; in similarity, the shape of it was like, as Sanji’s mind of a cook naturally associated it as- that of a giant bundt pan, only made of some kind of weird aura instead of metal or silicone.

Then, as on a cue, the moment the smoke blocked almost all the sunlight to reach from above- all of the streets’ lamps were lightened at once, and seemingly life kept continuing at ease all around island’s lone town.

When Usopp stopped to question one of the residents about the whole thing, and it turned out that the volcano was so active that it erupted at least once every day, throughout all the days of the year- enough so the main source of income of the island is products being made of the volcanic material.

As for the purple shelter above the island, he simply explained it was made thanks to the powers of a Devil Fruit eater -- the woman the crew is currently the guests of -- who the person made it clear to stay away from for their own good, even if she would offer a free meal for them.

Luffy, as expected, ignored all of the warnings in favour of finding the poor soul who would agree to share any meat in her possession with him- and the old-timer happily provided him just about everything she could offer.

She has been so kind to them, not giving any hint to a negative vibe at all- that it is still a wonder to Sanji as to why she is so lonely, even after being told about her power.

“We’ve been in so many islands where people with an ability that powerful actually used it to take hole of the entire island- your help shouldn’t be obvious at all.” Usopp shakes his head. “They really don’t understand what luck they have for having such a good-willing person like you.”

“I can’t really blame them,” the old lady sighs. “I’ve always wanted to be a great therapist, and so I’ve chosen to consume the fruit as a way to help people in extreme cases to get rid of addictions and obsessive thoughts that could be destructive for them and their surroundings; unfortunately, the idea was not accepted as well as I’ve hoped. But I’ve been born and raised on this island, I’ve stayed here through all of its ups and downs, and I love it too much to leave it despite it all.”

“So how do you get the desires you need for your power?” Robin-chan, who shows off her ever-increasing beauty that day by wearing one of her trademark-purple outfits, asks.

“From Pirates like you, in fact. I ask to take away any cause, of their own choice, which leads them to distracting thoughts, and in return, I offer them whatever I can: if it’s a meal, or even some of the money I’m given by the council. But most of the times they are so glad and relieved to get rid it that they just leave straight away- sometimes without even disturbing the rest of the town people at all. But now that I know who you all are, I guess it’s pointless to ask you the same; from what I’ve heard about your crew, your ambitions are quite too precious to give up for, and I’m sure they are strong enough so nothing else stand in your way.” Despite the expected disappointed, she surprises them when then smiles. “But you are the most friendly company I’ve had in quite a while, so I still appreciate what you were kind enough to provide me with.”

Sanji gets angry; what kind of bullshit attitude is this, for someone to whom they owe the greatest of gratitude for?

“Sounds like the residents of that island have gotten too used to that situation,” he mutters, rolling the cigarette between his fingers irritatedly. “They sound like the kind of people who will try to blame you when you’re gone for their less effective method against the volcano.”

She hums. “Well, in that case, they will know well that it was their fault with not spending money on the maintenance of their old protection technology in case of an emergency. But even that is pointless when they should have just replaced it with a new, much more advanced system long before I got my power- yet I’m the current excuse to not do anything about it even to this day.”

“Huh? Why won’t they get it?” Franky raises an eyebrow.

“In the next island they have an active volcano, too,” she starts to explain, “even bigger than ours. They suffer a great economic hardship right now, so selling their technology to us will, in fact, be of a great help for both sides. But there is a rivalry between the two islands for centuries now, and the two sides are too stubborn to put it to a stop.”

“It must be about something very complicated, then,” Brook assumes.

“Not really. The story goes a while back, but all in all, it’s about pineapple pizzas.”

There is a silence for a moment, which is followed by loud surprised reactions by some of the group.

Well, it _is_ rare for two needles in the Log Pose to go crazy, especially while directing to two islands which are only an hour away from each other- so by the point it is not a surprise that the history of the area is just as ridiculous as the unbelievable incident.

At any rate, pizza is something Sanji rarely makes- it is the kind of food he tries to save mostly for parties and special occasions, while pineapples, just like other fruits- he normally uses for an afternoon snack or a drink. In an account of that, he has never tried baking that kind of pizza, nor has he ever tried to taste one himself.

Of course, his senses are developed enough so he can tell what it will taste like, and he came to conclusion that it tastes good to people with certain type of taste buds- which, of course, he knows to categorize as well, as he is able to identify a person with theirs by not more than one glance.

His own preferences, though, do not matter, as he will never say no to any food offered to him anyway.

Luffy wore a serious expression. “I’ve never had one, but it tastes anything close to meat, then I can’t blame them.”

“Like it’s reasonable to dispute over this in a life-or-death situation, dumbass!” Nami-san awards him with one of her great fists and rolls her beautiful eyes before looking back at the woman. “But during the time I’ve spent in the town, they didn’t seem to me too crazy- how can’t they see they have problems big enough to put issues like that aside?”

“Well, the other island is quite proud of its relatively-new pineapples plantation, so they were terribly offended when one of our past mayors refused to eat the pizza they’ve made with it during a meeting with theirs. None of the following ones agreed to give it a try, either.”

“Well, so all we have to do is making the current mayor eat one, right?” Luffy jumps out of his chair, his mind is undoubtedly already determined. “Then let’s go bring him a slice from the other island!”

Voices of reason try to stop him, but Luffy is already in his own dreamy world of the celebration full of pizzas - as they have to include meat toppings as well - that will be taken once the two islands reconcile, and there is not a lot left to do besides accepting the fate that instead of a battle, they possibly are going to struggle with the most idiotic issue they have ever had to deal with.

Sanji does not find a reason to pay more attention to the lose case of over-excitement that is Captain, especially as he is too busy with the poor, disappointed Nami, who has to be washed over with promises of his best pineapple desserts once it will all be set and done- but then his ear picks up Zoro’s voice, who is wasting his precious breath again talking shit about him, which he will not have more for long once Sanji will be done with him.

“So you’re saying you could even cure a certain Ero-Cook’s fetishes?” He asks the old lady with hands behind his head, like he can afford being so relaxed around Sanji’s hearing range.

Sanji’s nostrils flare. “How is admiring the beautiful beings that are the ladies a fetish?!”

Zoro raises an eyebrow. “So you’re saying your nosebleeds are not out of control?”

Sanji folds his arms, and looks down at him confidently. “They are completely natural and normative to have as no human's body is built well enough to contain a man’s admiration for the amazingness of women! If anything, _you_ should be checked. You’re a miraculous case of being a Marimo with a brain yet you’re more stupid than the rest of your species.”

“So I’ll waste more blood than what I already lose in battles? Just you, on your own, make Chopper waste enough bandages as it is for all the injuries you get because of your obsession.”

“He has a point there, Sanji,” Usopp agrees carefully. “You really overdo it sometimes, especially with girl fighters.”

Sanji opens his mouth to rebuke Usopp for taking Zoro’s side, when suddenly a thought cripples into his mind.

What if, while he interrupted Zoro’s question to their host as an idiotic joke- he actually missed the point, and Zoro was actually _serious_?

He looks between the two of them. “Wait, you don’t mean - ”

Yes, after treating them with such hospitality, it will only be fair to find something that will benefit them to give up on and leave it to the nice old woman so she could boost to her energy with it; but how can Usopp suggest that his own fears are more important to be kept than Sanji being torn off of his _gentlemanliness_?! Damn it, he would prefer giving up on his dream of finding All Blue before that- it does not have to be a personal aspiration anyway, as he could have just continued to search for it just for the sake of returning the favour for Zeff.

Usopp hurries to waves his hands before him and calms him down that he did not mean that, but when he looks over to Zoro- he notices that there is a change in his lone eye. Even though the situation of Sanji’s worst nightmare coming true is usually calling for a shitty guy like him to use up any little laugh he can get out of it, he looks weirdly serious and thoughtful. Even the grip of his folded hands on his arms are way too tight.

Sanji is not sure if he has ever seen that expression before on Zoro; there were times he has looked at him quite intensely, but here it is like he is trying to receive an answer from Sanji while desperately not letting him know the question.

What the hell is that all about?

Then the long, weird moment is cut when Zoro turns back to the old woman. “So once you take it, the need is gone forever, right?”

“What do you think you’re doing, you shitty Marimo?!” Sanji stands up and starts to step toward him. “Don’t you dare -- ”

“ -- Shut up, I’m not talking about you.”

Sanji freezes at that.

Zoro plans to give up something of _himself_? What great desire could he have beside the will to become the best Swordsman in the world? And even if he does, he has a determination which rivals only Luffy’s; if there could possibly be anything to distract him from his goal, no matter how closed-off of a person Zoro is, it should have been apparent.

Is there really something that could infiltrate into the mind of no other than Roronoa Zoro so effectively?

Sanji suddenly notices that the whole room has gone quiet by that point, with everyone intrigues about the situation.

“I cannot change a man’s mind or heart,” the woman explains, “but I can shut down the thoughts. Even if your subconsciousness longs for it, your body won’t react to it and you won’t have an emotional reaction to it. It won’t completely unroot it, but block the desire or impulse from the control it has over you.”

Zoro nods. “Then I’ll do it.”

"Really?" Luffy wonders, tilting his head. "There's something that annoys you that much?"

"It's a nuisance," Zoro replies in a manner that is perhaps a bit too bluntly, but for sure way too indifferently. "Usually I find those as challenges, but this particular one becomes a weakness whenever I try to make it into one."

“Zoro, are you sure?” Chopper asks him worriedly, putting his little paws on his hand.

Zoro smiles down at him, and encouragingly squeezing one of his hands. “I’m not one to deal with things the easy way, but the more you look at it, the more it becomes similar to a parasite, an illness of the mind even. And no one knows better than you that an illness should not be overlooked because of some stubbornness, right?”

Chopper stares at him back for a moment, searching for words, but eventually, he unintentionally admits his agreement while swallowing, as tears fill his eyes.

Sanji cannot help but wince, although he makes sure to cover it behind his hand which lights up the cigarette; he wants to say something as well, but he cannot form any words.

But it should be fine, right? After all, Zoro will never do something to hurt his ambition, nor his Nakamas- he trusts him enough to know that.

So as much as he has a bad feeling about it, which gets stronger the moment the woman touches Zoro’s hand and looks at him with shock, like no one has ever given up something of that kind before- Sanji takes a long enough drag of his cigarette to make sure he will not blurt anything that will expose his concern.

Because, what is for sure, is that Zoro does not need that, not from him.

-

During the five days which passed since they set sail, Zoro did not stay to help Sanji with the dishes even once, the latter realizes suddenly, while making the last post-dinner cleaning in the Galley.

They have taken off the day after Luffy has successfully brought the two islands together in peace -- after finding out, of course, that the situation has been more serious and complicated behind the scenes than simply being about a plain pizza -- and reproofed the old lady’s island to accept her back into their community, to the level where she was the heart of the party in the end.

Beforehand, of course, they have also made sure to restock fresher products, and even receiving some valuable volcanic-material made jewellery and beauty products that they are free to either use or sell. Whichever way Nami-san will choose to do with them, though, Sanji cannot wait to see the happiness the items will surely beam her face with.

But at the time of departure, when the old lady suggested giving Zoro back whatever she has taken from him, stressing the fact that the energy his sensation provides her with is even stronger than what is necessary to protect the two islands at once from their volcanos at once- he refused. Even when she expressed her worry over the possibility of him regretting it, as the kind of thing he had let go of was usually chosen by people who used to suffer from some kind of unfortunate event, which he has had yet to- he insisted that he would have not made that decision if he was not entirely set to do so.

No one of the crew knows what it was that he has conveyed to her, as already during the first day he made it clear that it should not concern them as it is neither about his dream nor his loyalty to the crew.

As for Sanji- he understood from the very beginning as well that it was pointless to give it a thought so long nothing of the moss-for-brain’s personality and habits has changed; and even as he could not stay completely indifferent the old lady’s description of the extent of the offering, they had spent enough time with Zoro lacking that part of him for enough time -- especially in critical situations like fighting together and saving people -- for him to keep quiet regardless.

Nevertheless, it is not just because of the crew that Sanji is not able to completely forget about it and move on.

He is a little more grown up by now, and by that beyond the stage of trying to pretend to himself that he could consider Zoro as Nakama without caring for him beyond the necessity out of loyalty to Luffy. Of course, he will never admit it to the Marimo, even if he has to spend another two years as Okama- but keep lying to himself cannot lead to any good.

Once again, it is not like he thinks Zoro would commit an act like that without thinking it through and through; and as a proof, nothing at all changed about him- even outside the battlefield, where it is so called mattered less, he still acts normally with each and every one of the crew, and no reaction of his to any situation was untypical or unpredictable.

Sanji does not want to believe it is only an act, since it is so good that he does not even remember to watch Zoro closely ever since they have been back on the ship most of the time, with nothing unusual to catch his eye- and can only test him in retrospective during the only points  in the day where he allows himself to let his focus go elsewhere from the task in hand: the dishwashing.

When he cooks, he has to be all there for it, or his name as a cook is worth nothing; but with cleaning, as important as it is to respect the dinnerware and the kitchenware- it is okay to be more automatic in favour of thinking over things that can be worthy notes for improvement.

But since there are not many to have, he finds himself thinking over other issues that are worth analysis- but with the test subject not around to do a live examine, he becomes more and more aware, with each meal, of the emptiness of the Galley.

It is not as though Zoro stays there every single meal after everyone is gone -- sometimes he prefers to enjoy the share of booze he receives on his own at other parts of the Sunny -- but every other day he lingers there more, sometimes in complete silence and sometimes shares a mostly laid-back conversation with Sanji. Those were the times he has learnt how much he shares in common with the die-hard Swordsman: they do not share a lot of similar features or worldviews, but at the core, they are the same- like cakes who were filled with different ingredients, but are still held together by the same kind of dowels.

He has always thought that both of them enjoyed those rare peaceful moments, even beyond of the sense that there were things they both see fitting to only discuss or tell about to each other- but since it is the only change in behaviour that Sanji knows of, after both Usopp and Chopper questioned him if he had noticed anything suspicious that they had not, or not heard from others, he cannot suspect that too much, or even blame him. It should only be expected that Zoro wants more time to spend on his own, enjoying the silence that hopefully prevails in his mind right now and getting used to it- and not being around anyone else too much, as nowadays he seems to always be put under an interrogation of some kind, be it direct or subtle.

Furthermore, this so-call hangout has always occurred too randomly to be a routine anyway, so maybe referring to it as a change in behaviour is an exaggeration, to begin with.

If anything, the only thing he could really see as bizarre is what happened just right before the expected alteration in character: the decision for shutting down a part of it up itself, while he has made while still being whole.

The tempt is clear: there are a lot of things that Sanji himself would be glad to have his mind forget about, like any instinctive unease he gets by something that reminds him of his childhood, that rises up later the following night through nightmare, or, better yet, fixing in himself anything that would result in him being somehow more inviting for the ladies.

Nevertheless, in the long run, he knows he would have not done that. As much as he enjoyed himself with silly fantasies of what-ifs, he wants to stay true to his real self. Especially after growing up as a disappointment, going through an operation-like process to his soul would have only formed him into the kind of a man who, in his image, is closer to be just like the very people who have driven him to hate, and to never fully accept, any of the parts about himself.

So what does it make out of Zoro, then? He has always liked to be referred to as a beast, even when a lot of people who uses that nickname for him genuinely sees him as inhuman- but Sanji knows there _is_ a heart somewhere, not-that-very-deep-at-all in there, and if only because Luffy is the best at reading what kind of a person you are, even without distinguish them to sophisticated psychological types. The whole crew shares the same part in their personality, after all, no matter how unrelated the seems to each other- and their great composition it is all thanks to their Captain’s natural observation skills.

It is also why Luffy has stopped to show interest in the matter the moment Zoro assured him he was fine, and there is no point to his curiosity about the secret when it is now gone anyway- but can they really trust Zoro to know himself that well, to trust him to not cause any damage to himself, which they have had yet to notice?

But hey, it is the stupid green sloth he is talking about; with all those meditations and naps he takes during the day, he has to know the very depth of his soul more than anybody- more than Sanji can do with his meaningless overthinking, for sure.

And so, once he makes sure everything is clean and in order -- and whatever is needed to be locked is indeed is -- Sanji closes the lights of the Galley after him and leaves outside for one or two more cigarettes before he will officially call it a night.

It is a calm, precious night in the unstable New World side of the Grand Line; the wind trails and swirls through his hair, carrying thousands of lullabies from around the ocean and whispers them into his ears. The moon, watching it all wisely, finds more interest in drifting between the clouds and examining their shape than sparing more than a short glance at their ship.

Sanji releases another cloud of his own, even if made of smoke, into the night sky- although, instead of a matching grey, it comes out as purple.

 _What_.

In a second observersation, the smoke seems to be much thicker than that coming from his cigarette; moreover, when it continues on, it goes against the wind, as though it had a mind of its own. Sanji blinks, but watches it for a few more seconds as it gets further from the ship, floating just a few meters above the waves until it blends with the darkness.

He uses his Haki, but is not able to locate anyone’s presence; the only people outside the different rooms inside the ship are him and Zoro, who is at the Crow’s Nest.

That useless-as-a-cactus idiot; he better not missed anything.

Sanji looks cautiously around the top floor of the Sunny, but nothing seems to be out of the matter. But he knows he is not tired of feeling out of the ordinary to just hallucinate phenomena- even if it was not just the look itself that was weird, but the sensation of the cloud as it went through him: he felt content, comforted even; a sort of cosiness he has forgotten all about, and made him want to wrap himself in his blanket and bury himself in sweet longings until he would be lulled to sleep.

A reassuring feeling overall, which might be just the thing to indicate that something is making him feel a false sense of security.

He resolves then to go check on Zoro just in case, and finds him in his usual position: leaning against the window, loyal swords resting close.

“What are you searching for, you dumb Cook? You wandered a lot down there, before coming here.” At least his tone which sounds normal so far, considering he is talking to Sanji.

“Oh, yeah. I was bored enough to go look for your brain. You keep leaving it somewhere, it seems.”

Zoro tsks. “It would’ve been better than having him melting under hair that seems to keep being bleached by the sun. Now what do you want.”

Sanji groans both at the remark and the way the question was muttered so flatly, but he has sleep to catch, so he will be able to wake up fresh tomorrow morning for breakfast- and gets to the point. “I saw something weird just now, and I wanted to check if you happened to see anything unordinary as well.”

Zoro frowns, although he keeps his face directed at the view ahead. “No, nothing. What did you sense?”

Sanji looks down at his feet, frustrated; it was too illogical of a sight to be easily described. “I’m not sure, it was like some sort of steam? It moved against the wind’s direction, and didn’t deform at all.”

There is a silence from Zoro’s side between the next set of creaks and grunts of the ship, although his frown surprisingly relaxes, and he does not seem to delay his answer because he has a difficult time to attach Sanji’s words to something that came to his awareness.

“Was it purple?” He asks suddenly.

Sanji’s eyes widen, and he takes a few steps forward. “So you saw it too? Why didn’t you try to check it?!”

It might not be an issue that requires to wake up the whole crew for, but it is undoubtedly something worth reporting to all of those who were still awake. If Sanji finds out that Zoro was convinced by the safe mood that the gas affected him with, like it has done with Sanji, and ignored the alarming sign of it- he is  _so_ going to kick his ass back to East Blue.

But Zoro just sighs in return, almost like it is a worthy enough of an answer.

It takes him too long again to realize that Sanji, in fact, cannot read minds or too vague gestures, but eventually, he responds.

“It came from me.”

He does not bother to proceed by checking Sanji’s reaction, trusting him just enough to know he will not jump into a defensive mode just by that, no matter how suspicious it is that he is aware of it yet doing nothing.

This is exactly why Sanji does not even question the dubious answer, as bewildered as he is by it. After all, it is just like Zoro to feel entirely comfortable to throw a statement of that sort like that next to him, being confident to remain indifferent and with the guard as down as a Swordsman of his level can let himself keep. Sanji is familiar with Zoro’s body language just enough to know when he is more alert than usual, readying himself for an attack even while his entire body is completely relaxed and loosen.

Nevertheless, Zoro's attitude about it is as though the actual steam he has just puffed out is a symptom which Chopper should be notified about.

Zoro huffs, seemingly to himself. “It is a side-effect of having my distraction collected by that woman.”

Sanji feels the blood drains out of his face. “Side effect?”

Zoro chuckles again. “Didn’t you hear what that woman said, you hopeless Cook? She can’t help me lose the very idea of it completely, it’s something only time can affect to truly fade away; and as long as that core still exists, it’s gonna attempt to break into my subconscious again. All she can do is make sure I won’t be _affected_ by it anymore. It’s like keeping cutting the stalk which the roots struggle to grow, before it bursts out of the dirt- and she does so by making the thoughts that try to get a hold of me again to convert into that cloud you’ve just seen, which flies all the way to her to feed off of it. It’s gonna happen every midnight, for as long as she wishes.”

A shiver goes through Sanji’s spine; the description of it, the fight against an inner feeling, sounds so dark to him, and yet, it is not like the Green-Headed has ever had a good enough verbal abilities when it does not come to express strong values- ones that even Sanji cannot disagree with, as much as he hates it.

“How does it feel?” He asks, curious.

Zoro shrugs. “I’m not aware of it at all until I feel the need to emit something out. And then, it’s like it was created out of nothing- like I’m not really being emptied from something.”

Sanji nods. It is good to know that their Swordsman is not hurt or in less than 100 percent shape, even if only at very specific times.

He lits a cigarette, being much more at ease now. “I’m surprised how quickly you trusted her that it will really work that way.” He takes in a drag and blows it out a moment after. “As calculated as you are, it must have been something you were desperate to be freed from.”

Zoro’s grip on his swords tightened. “I’ve been through enough guessing games by the others. I don’t need to go through a lecture by you as well.”

“Tch, just checking you’re really not that proud to ignore the possible risks of living without that thing. As if I care besides that.” Sanji taps on the end of the stick; the Crow’s Nest is an area which Zoro is usually responsible to clean, so he does not even bother to find an item he could empty the ash into instead of the floor. “Is that the only side-effect?”

“Yeah.”

Sanji opens his mouth in order to tell him to inform the others about that too, but then decides against it. If it is indeed as meaningless as Zoro describes it, then there is no need to provoke another series of interrogations and unnecessary attention. He must be annoyed enough as it is to have to see the physical proof of the thoughts that used to disturbed him every day for the rest of his life- or that woman’s life, that is.

If Zoro, in the crazy lifestyle he has chosen to himself as a Swordfighter, indeed outlives her- will he really be ready to learn how to live with it again, after a long time without training on tricks to ignore it? Whether it will hit him all at once, or return to its original size gradually- what if that happens before he will achieve his desired title?

“Have you fallen asleep standing up?” Zoro shakes him out of his thoughts.

“Shut up,” Sanji hisses. “I just had something else I was wondering about.”

Zoro shakes his head impatiently. “What is it.”

“Do you ever think of what you'll do after defeating Mihawk?”

Zoro’s eye grows a bit bigger- he is definitely taken by surprise by the question; but he does not dismiss it, although does not hurry to answer either. Thoughtful, he starts to rub his thumb over the white hilt of Wadō, which he has carried with him ever since leaving his dojo- Sanji has once been taught how to identify between the three swords after Zoro decided to clean them at the Galley that one time, for a reason Sanji cannot recall anymore.

But as close to the heart as that story sounds to be to Zoro, Sanji has never felt before the right to ask the question he has just directed at Zoro, even though it is not necessarily a more personal answer. Nevertheless, it was something he could not help but wonder about from time to time, even while knowing that it will be hard to find a good time to touch as such subject, even during the nightly chats in which they both are particularly more open.

The consequences of this event, though, might be the best excuse he will ever have for bringing it up, even if Zoro was anyway the kind of guy who will worry about so-called small things only when he truly gets there.

For starters, Sanji has never understood that chase for the top. After all, the best chef of the world must unceasingly continue to prove himself, and will always have mouths to feed with his passion everyday;  even the King of all Pirates will always find new adventures the more the humanity’s population growth, and a few new enemies bloom for each one who was stopped. But when the dominance of a certain field is nothing but a title, one which not a lot specializes in, not on a level that could seriously compete for it- then what do you do the day after, besides preserving your abilities? How much can one push himself to become stronger after eliminating the previous best? How can they still be sure there is potentially an even higher peak of strength left to achieve in them, and how can they really test it, with everyone else much weaker?

If you train for something which necessitates another person, yet after some point, there are not a lot of people left who are good enough to relieve the urge for a great challenge, then what is the point?

“Nothing will change too much, really,” Zoro finally shrugs. “After becoming the Pirate King, Luffy will for sure continue to travel through the rest of the trails of the Grand Line, then to the other left three seas, and even after that- he’ll just spend the rest of his life revisiting islands over and over again, meeting old friends and finding new adventures where he hasn't found during the times before. It’ll work for me, because I’ll get to continuously search the world for worthy rivals for the title, or just take part in interesting fights. I can’t ask for anything better. And I guess I’ll visit my dojo once we return to East Blue, although, of course, I’ll be sure to not stay there long so Luffy won’t eat all of their meat; those kids training there need it much more than him.”

Sanji raises an eyebrow. “That makes less than a day. An hour maybe, if you’re lucky.”

Zoro snorts, finally warming up enough to at least make eye contact with him. “I’ll just have to make sure to lend him enough money beforehand so he’ll buy it for himself, right? There’s anyway nothing more for me to do other than saying hello to my Sensei and check what kind of opponents he prepares for me.”

Sanji rolls his eyes, and blows a puff of smoke to complete the mocking expression. “Yeah, because everything’s around you.”

“Once I’m the strongest swordsman in the world it will.”

Sanji may laugh about Zoro having an ambition of this kind, but he is not stupid enough to disregard the achievability of this scenario. It is one thing to mock the chase after a title which will take away the hope to have anything else in his life to top that one-time satisfaction, but he only lets himself be troubled for Zoro’s sake about the boredom and dryness that his life may become afterwards, with no other challenges, _because_ neither of them is delusional, in fact, about the assurance of actually getting there.

All in all, it was futile to ask to hear from Zoro his thoughts about the matter; with someone as patient as him to train so hard, he will surely use the time afterwards to figure how to use all that persistence ability to invest himself in something else. So for now, Sanji lets himself to only use the fact that he always leaves plans for after he got to a certain point for later as a source for jokes to annoy him with, and nothing more.

“I wish whatever you sacrificed would have shrunken your pride a bit, but I guess it has a great part in the package of training to be the greatest Swordsman,” Sanji says, tone dry as to lighten the environment through getting back to their usual bickering and move on from the heavy subject.

Zoro’s bright hazel eye is almost whitened as the moon moves just enough to shine its light right into it.

“It was no sacrifice,” Zoro corrects him firmly. “It was something that popped in my mind out of the blue and got in my way, but not that early that it will have an effect on my fighting skills- just like putting off weights you’ve worn on to everywhere you went. I simply treated it with the same forceful attitude it has crept into my mind. It shouldn’t even stay relevant for long either- I just preceded the process.”

Sanji inhales all the smoke he could fill his lungs with, so he will not accidentally start to reproach him.

Be it grief, longing, or anything else that Zoro would consider as a weakness- Sanji simply does not like the way he talks about it at all. Not to mention how the old woman has emphasized the great extent of what he has given up on, as though it has an importance almost like booze has to him.

He will leave it be, of course, as there is no reason for him to criticise Zoro when he has nothing to do with it- but something in Sanji is still somewhat disappointed, shaken even, the same way he has felt when he has witnessed Zoro putting his life on the line for the sake of his ambition, at his first clash with Mihawk. His blind pride has made him overestimate himself back then, and it was close to cost him too much, too soon.

But they were all linked by getting to their individual goals, after all. No one has been brought to the ship just to have the importance of their safety to ruin others’ dreams.

“What about you?” Zoro surprises him with the question enough for him to calm his raging emotions.

“Huh?”

“After you find the All Blue.”

Sanji might have not expected the sudden interest almost as much as Zoro probably has not -- and like every time beforehand, hearing Zoro mentioning the All Blue so seriously is almost as unbelievable to him as the idea of the All Blue is for other people -- without any hint of a doubt is  but he is able to reply much more easily.

“Well, obviously I want to find the All Blue not just for the sake of finding it, but for the endless new recipes I’ll be working on. But no matter whether I stay with Luffy for more, or move with the Baratie to the Grand Line right away- I won’t be able to start considering leaving before finding a worthy substitute who is capable enough for Luffy’s appetite. Well, to be honest, the only place I can imagine finding someone tough enough is also at the Baratie. Hopefully that shitty old geezer hired a few young chefs who don’t only look for a place to settle in.”

“Won’t you be bored, preparing food for people with a normal-sized stomach?”

Sanji tucks his palms deeper into his pockets and shifts his body toward the exit as he prepares to leave. “That’s why I asked you about your plan to begin with, idiot. Cooks need to satisfy other’s passions first, before taking care of their own.”

Zoro stares at him again with that quiet look that probably contains thousands of words, before he turns again to look at the sea.

Sanji leaves silently as well. He is a little more settled, now that he knows more about the process, although the comparison that Zoro makes of whatever that desire is to a weed -- when, according to the old lady’s reaction, it cannot be something negative like trauma -- still makes him uncomfortable.

He might have gotten to know Zoro better than the others thanks to their talks, so he could have a better chance to guess what exactly it was, and maybe then understand his decision better- but he is doubtful that anything will convince him it was a justified move.

But the best thing he could do is just forget all about it and focus on taking care of his Nakama the only way he really should do it: through cooking. Like Zoro, he cannot afford anything to distract him from the task, so long he is part of the Mugiwara crew.

-

The next day, during the gap between finishing taking care of the breakfast’s aftermath and right before starting to work on lunch, Sanji tries to mimic that feeling Zoro described to him: he lets the warm smoke of the cigarette filling his chest, and tries to unload some of his nerves along with it, instead of letting the drug to take care of it.

But all it does is leaving him dizzy, tired and somehow much heavier after emptying himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... University.  
> I've posted the first chapter a month or so into it, but now, already in my second semester- I kinda regret trying this new method of releasing a chapter once it's ready instead of waiting until I have at least a few drafts.  
> This fic may not be that long-chaptered, but still.  
> So sorry for any of you who waited, and I hope I'll have more energy for writing in the upcoming months in order to work a bit faster on the next ones.

After their talk that night, Sanji now knows that Zoro’s heart is still in the right place- at least as much as his sense of Nakamaship should be concerned.

He may have made Zoro a bit comfortable, since the end of the journey cannot be an easy thought even for him- but the way he sees his future, above all, had to be taken into an account eventually; it was the surest way to make sure that his mindset and vision is still one which fits the crew.

And, fortunately, it was confirmed that it still does; had he wanted to be able to leave the crew, he would not talk about continuing the journey even after his initial commitment to Luffy was over. When he talked about Luffy becoming the Pirate King, he described it as though it is only a _point_ in his journey, as significant as it may be; only a part of it, and not something which will change things for him, not even after his own ambition will be fulfilled.

Moreover, Sanji keeps being proven nothing major has changed during their everyday experience in the days afterwards: Zoro keeps humouring Chopper, disturbing poor Nami’s pleasant mood and keeps pushing Usopp, as a Warrior of the Sea, into challenges (but mostly competing with on who, between the two of them, is the most reasonable one in the crew while both are evenly complete fools). He still drinks booze too, but wishing it was about _that_ would be hypocritical in Sanji’s behalf, as a cook who in the one hand struggling to keep his ingredients hoarded, and in the other a heavy dependant man of a relieving substance himself.

And as for Sanji himself and Zoro- they still fight as frequently as always, get a rise of each other whenever they can and add fights into their personal competition whenever possible; Zoro still clearly pretends to not be delighted by Sanji’s food, still synchronizes with him in battle and lets himself be supported by Sanji during serious group discussions, and despite all the bites and challenges- their sense of Nakamaship for each other is much more solid than anything else, as passionate as it may be.

All that changed is that he is not that much into heart-to-hearts anymore. So be it.

Only, even without the daily reminder that something _has_ changed, due to the lack of personal interactions between them- Sanji still cannot find it in himself to get over it. Just like the old argument against organs donation, it does not feel right in Sanji’s eyes to give off something of your own for the sake of someone you do not really know- but while Sanji would donate his no matter what, this case is different: this is _Zoro’s_ life at stake, and no one else’s. All that lady earned by that was power, while he was left hollow.

Yet, it is not entirely like that, is it? According to his explanation, that desire, or whatever it is, still exists within him- only it is well locked, as though in a fridge- where it will keep the struggle for awareness.

But Sanji cannot say anything, not after he has been proven it has nothing to do with the crew and thus not his business at all. Moreover, he knows too well just how good a trauma can be hidden: no one will ever guess he gets the constant headaches he has from food, of all things: both by the lack of it,  as the eternal connection his mind keeps linking with the unmerciful sun on a lonely rock at the middle of the sea- but also while the meal is right in front of him, like he still depends on another person to remove the heavy iron mask which blocks his mouth. Sometimes he wonders if that is the real reason, and not kindness, to why he has never become protective over his own food, and cannot eat big meals, despite his starvation phase.

If Zoro somehow knows any of those effects, after Sanji has revealed both points in his life to him – though briefly and very vaguely – then he has kept it to himself. Unlike him, though, Sanji cannot deny what felt the day he understood that Zoro has come from completely unproblematic circumstances, although it was relief in his case- which has made him more conscious about the other’s stories.

For example, there are times where Sanji sees something which reminds him of some detail, be it important or small and so-called meaningless, that Zoro has once mentioned while describing his home island or an experience from his days in his dojo. Before, once Sanji pointed it out to him- Zoro’s eyes would widen, with a smile accompanying the expression more times than not.

But nowadays he barely blinks, acknowledging it with a distant nod before moving on right away.

What if it is nostalgia that used to bug him, then? Did he start missing home, or just wanted to make sure to be able to never look back?

It better not be about Kuina- their promise and the shared dream has shaped the way he is now more than anything, and for someone like him it is believable that he can stay focused enough on his ambition, the future ahead, to stop thinking of the beginning, even if it is the purpose which has always pushed him the most.

If it is true, and Zoro thinks he can actually go on like that and fully enjoy the fulfilment of his goal. Even though he has planned to become the greatest swordsman before he met her, she is still a great part of his passion, as relevant as that initial will.

But then, on the next island, they meet a girl who challenges Zoro for a duel upon meeting him. He dodges her for a while, and his constant movement makes it too hard for Sanji to test the features of his scowl- but then he is finally done humouring her and cuts the ‘battle’ short, and instead of annoyance, boredom or even indifference- there is clear _sadness_ hiding behind the face which was visibly tough enough to survive a direct strike from Mihawk.

And suddenly Sanji remembers why he is so troubled about him, beyond the necessary minimum due to the ship they share, to begin with: Zoro may hate fighting out of revenge, but he still cares enough to stick to it; in other words, he has not wished to polish away his natural soft side.

While Zoro will unlikely ever admit he suffers a trauma, he surely would have told him if something else as horrible as Kuina’s death happened; it is not like Sanji is relieved that he still has grief within him- just a relief that he has not chosen to take it out of him, which would have dehumanized him in a way. Even the Beast from the East should have deep connections to drag him down yet remind him that he too has limitations, even if in the incarnation of love. Sanji refuses to believe it could be the _only_ reason to drive one into wickedness; to the contrary- It is essential as much as it is destructive, yet stops a pure, restricted, clear goal from spreading into something truly dangerous.

But then the little girl turns out to be a fraud.

Well, hopefully Zoro has not had similar thoughts to Sanji, because right now he might have some regrets.

 

~

 

Sanji is _freezing_.

But there is no way in hell – even if right now they are quite far from it, considering the incredibly low temperature – he will cooperate with such a suggestion.

“Oi, Cook, cut it out,” Zoro grunts- or would, if he did not have to be too busy snuffling.

“ _You_ go and start using those swords of yours to go cut us more wood, Mr. Future-Greatest-Swordsman.”

One of their foes has just created such a big, unexpected explosion that the whole crew was blown a few good kilometres away from the town, which is the only remaining active settlement in the area. Now add on top of that the fact that this island also happens to be a _winter_ one.

Luck has never been on Sanji’s side, because _of course_ the only person he would find while wandering around in a heavy snowstorm would be no other than the infamous lost Marimo- who Sanji will not be surprised to find out that he actually managed to escape the impact of the explosion, yet got lost out of town anyway.

Why could he not find either poor Nami-san or Robin-chan instead, who may not even have anyone else to be offered a coat from?!

For now, he has to waste the little luck he did have by spending the night with the only evergreen phenomenon in sight alone in a house, which is placed on a high enough point to still have the top window of the loft expose above the hills of constant falling snow, making it possible to enter inside and find shelter from the night’s cold.

Fortunately, there are still enough woods in the fireplace inside; but even after lightning it up, it is clear that it will not relieve enough of the cold to make it possible to ignore it and fall asleep, nor will it last the entire night.

The house has been emptied from blankets, sheets, towels and just anything else that could be used as something to be wrapped with; even their own coats are almost as hard as ice by this point, too useless that they had to take them off. They cannot let the fabrics be too close to the fire, of course, so they sit on them instead form a safe distance- so they will be able to get some heat themselves from the small bonfire as well.

Which is when one moss-brain idiot decides to come up with the most ridiculous concept ever.

“With all the ice on the trees, it’ll only be a waste of energy for nothing. And anyway, you must have heard once about that method, too!” Zoro insists. “Both of our bodies produce heat, so it’s the best – ”

“ – No need for it,” Sanji opposes, while barely hiding the shudder that has gone through him.

Zoro sighs, heaving another blow of white, foggy air. “I’m not gonna like it either, but how could you be _that_ shy?”

“It’s not it, you idiot!” He tries to block the dramatic tears from filling his eyes, in case they will freeze into ice; as if it is not enough that his face is probably as red as he would look like if he indeed felt sheepish. “I just can’t stand the thought of being in this situation with _you_ instead of Nami-san or Robin-chan! I prefer to die than living knowing that they might be freezing to death as we speak, because there was no one man enough to keep them warm!”

“They’re too tough to be defeated by something like bad weather, but they still might not return capable enough to help us deal with the enemy- so you need to guarantee the fitness of your body for the fight,” Zoro retorts too matter-of-factly for Sanji’s liking.

“So what are you trying to say- someone needs to stay to fight because you won’t be able to stay alive? You’re so weak you’re afraid to freeze to death?”

“Shut up!” Zoro quiveringly roars through gritted teeth. “It’ll take me hundreds of years to die, while for you just a couple of minutes!”

“Pfft. I doubt a National Treasure like you, which must be protected by all costs, hasn't started your dying process already just by being away from the sun.”

Zoro slaps his own forehead in frustration. “Ugh, just shut up and come closer!”

Sanji scowls. “And why the _fuck_ would I do that?”

“As I said,” Zoro slowly spits the words out as though he tries to physically hit the air with them, “the best way to raise body heat is to share it, you dumbass!”

“Soon you’ll claim we also need to get naked, and I’m gonna roll with it about as much as with this idea!”

Zoro thinks about it a little. “I think I’ve heard it’s really gonna work better if we do that, too.”

“Oh my _god_ , you- You know what, I’m just gonna shut up from now on to not plant in you even crazier ideas. And as someone who once tried to throw his plate to the countertop from the dining table, because of a dare from _Luffy_ , there’s nothing you can say to your defence.”

“It was only one time,” Zoro mumbles.

They sit in silence for a few more moments, staring at the bright flames dancing in front of them.

Of course, Sanji has once heard about this survival tactic; but it does not mean he will so quickly agree to have his first time being cradled, almost _snuggling_ next to a fire with anything else that is not a beautiful lady, when the idiot Marimo is enough of a witness to that memory to hurt his dignity. He knows he should not really care about someone as shittingly dumb as him invading his personal space – it has happened countless of times during their fights anyway – but the intimacy level of getting something _back_ is a situation he has always failed to stay indifferent to.

While it is not like having someone putting their life on the line for him, even if at both cases it is about survival- the experience of _participating_ in the very vitality of another’s body, feeling the entrustment directly- is even worse to him than the normal position of being in the other end of an act of generosity.

“If I ever lose my consciousness and need to be carried to survive, will you do that?” Zoro asks suddenly.

Sanji sharply turns to look at him to make sure he is not joking.

What kind of a guy does he make of him? Does he not remember who found the bloody mess that Kuma has left him as and had to do just that?

Sanji would kick him if he was not wise enough to save as much energy as possible.

“Of course, you idiot! What kind of question is that right now?”

“So why is it _that_ hard for you to embrace me for a couple of hours, so neither of us will return to our crew with fewer organs than what we’ve left with?”

Sanji’s breath hitched and he blinked; damn, he _hates_ when the muscle-head actually has a good point.

But arguing any further will only get him more heated anyway, and his body has wasted enough of it already as it is, and so-

“I’m not taking my clothes off,” he declares.

Zoro rolls his eye. “Just stay with the boxer on, you big crying baby.”

“Wait- by that I mean _you’re not too_! Exposing most of the body will do the job just fine!”

Zoro shakes his head as he starts to undress. “Considering the kind of man you claim yourself to be, you should stop caring when it comes to that. When our bodies are on the line, all organs are just organs.”

Organs that can react randomly, Sanji wants to say, but taking others in mind- it is true that he cannot try and protect his dignity any longer.

Zoro eventually pauses once he has only his pants on, looking at him expectedly, as he will surely not advance any further before he sees Sanji doing the same; and with a long, shaking – _by shame_  – sigh, Sanji unclothes himself until he is pantless.

Zoro raises his eyebrows as though asking him if it really was that bad, and does the same.

They spread both of their coats on the cold, frozen floor and put them on top on each other so they will be able to lie on them, and Zoro’s haramaki is folded to be used as a pillow. Next, they cover their torsos with Sanji’s jacket, and as much of their legs as they manage with both of their pair of pants lying horizontally, and Sanji’s shirt on top of them. Then, lastly, they put Zoro’s green cloak on top of all that. His swords are kept right beside him.

Lastly comes the actual complicated part- but before Sanji can second-guess it, Zoro grabs his arm and situates it around his back, before replicating it with his own. He does not procrastinate beyond that before closing his eyes, and so he has no idea what the other’s reaction to it is aside from staying still.

Which is good for Sanji, as two minutes into the extremely unwanted situation, he has to admit that it indeed works. While clinging to each other, enough of their emitted heat is blocked, and together they get double the amount so both of them have stopped shaking.

Not only that, but Sanji knows that any excuse he is trying to convince himself with, that remaining in a frozen state was far better than sharing his personal space with an overgrown humanoid Marimo- is an utter lie:  Zoro’s hand rests casually on the side of his torso rather than forcing him closer than what they really have to be; he even has the decency to breathe from his nose, and not into Sanji’s face, unlike what the latter has expected; even his scent, which Sanji has not even been aware until that point he is that familiar with, is not so bad.

All in all, Zoro is considerable enough to allow the experience to be relaxed and not awkward at all, and there is nothing Sanji can pinpoint on to claim that Zoro is such a terrible… _enfoldment_ partner.

But, while he has to admit that being proven wrong about this very thing was another reason he did not want to try, what he has not expected, and now is scared of even more, is the realization that Zoro is not someone who is unpleasant to touch in general.

Well, that is a given, since Zoro will never let anything scar his back, and so there is no reason for it to not be smooth. It does not hurt that his defined muscles cover any bony part almost entirely.

But why does he have to fight himself to not embrace him properly? Feeling comfortable is one thing, but it should not explain why he keeps thinking of the defined back muscles are right there, and for some reason, he is curious to explore them with his fingers?

Sanji is not a very touchy person when it comes to any sex other than females, so unless he has lost it, there has to be some logic to this. His standards of quality had to be lowered somehow.

But it _could_ make sense, considering that ever since leaving the Baratie two years ago, he has not experienced such an intimacy: none of the girls, unfortunately, allow him close enough; Luffy jumps on him only while he is too distracted to keep the food away from him; Chopper usually comes for him for a short solace, and only if neither Usopp or Nami-san is around; and anything that has to do with the Okamas _does not_ count.

But, while, as a human, he simply wants to feel the comfort of the proximity to an entity: be it a human, something in between like Chopper or a human-plant, it makes sense that even a ladies-man like him would seek something like that once in a while.

There is no other explanation to why he can be that okay with it, right? Especially as Zoro just caught him in a moment of weakness- while Sanji is still worried about him, after whatever the dumbass has given up on. It is only natural that he feels comforted by the idea that not only he is still valued by him, regardless of the little signs of a change of behaviour, which by now were only related to Sanji and no one else of the crew- but he also does not find him more repulsive than before.

Nevertheless, as much as it surprised Sanji to discover just how much he appreciates it, he is not able to just assume that it was simply something he did not want to touch in order to maintain the status quo on the ship- even if it had to be through rivalry. As deep as it has gotten by that point, there is also the possibility that it is still small in comparison to the other issue.

So, what could be something that was more important than Sanji, although having nothing to do with him, yet it does enough when it comes to their rare quiet, friendly moments? Had it happened with anyone else as well, he would surely be hearing about it from any of the others by now; only Robin-chan would have kept any observation she had to herself as Sanji does.

Is that what it is? Does he try to use the antagonism to his advantage, and for that purpose he decided to neglect the little tolerance – and possibly solicitude – he has felt toward both them?

It better not be true; Robin-chan kindness _was not_ something to disregard and undervalue like that.

And maybe he really is just overthinking- if they meant so little to him, why did he not care to tell it to their face? Furthermore, Luffy would have not chosen someone so selfish and cold – at least not _that_ cold – as his first mate. If Sanji trusts something, it is his insane instincts.

Right now he feels pretty jealous of his Captain’s empty head, because Sanji hates how he simply cannot put the issue to rest. It is obvious that a situation like that is triggering those thoughts, but his obsession with the answer is still way too immoderate. He should get over it fast anyway, considering he just may start clutching into Zoro soon in frustration without noticing, and not even because he was thinking about the girls as he should be right now.

Maybe he should be worried about appreciating it so much, after all?

Really, just how distracting Zoro’s touch and physical warmth can be? Even if he is almost fully circling him, the level of attention Sanji is giving to an issue concerning him is not reasonable at all. Not to mention that, even though it is also a little about Sanji himself- why does he take it so much to the heart that he feels so offended by the thought of the option he has considered not only for Robin-chan’s sake, but also for _himself_?

No, it is their misleading position which sparks a psychological effect in him. There is no doubt that there was something cherishable about their little talks, and Zoro’s reaction when Sanji proved him he listens by being reminded of little details through random things- but why should Sanji feel something more than disappointed that it has never meant much for Zoro? Taking his past into account, he is the last man expected to mind when discovering someone else does not care for him.

“If you’re going to ask me to let you smoke, forget about it,” Zoro interrupts his thoughts suddenly, presumably sensing the lack of tranquillity within Sanji. “It stinks in here as it is with your stupid perfumes.”

Sanji opens one eye, but Zoro’s are still closed. He rolls it anyway. “It’s _Eau de Cologne_ , and I don’t need cigarettes when I’m stuck with the aroma of grass for a hair that you have right in front of my face.”

“What was that now?” Zoro’s voice is low, although not really in order to not scream in Sanji’s eras but rather to let it come out as a growl. “If you don’t want me to break the hold and slice you up before you have the chance to freeze again-”

But then he pauses suddenly, lone-healthy eye snapping open at once, and sits up with his back to Sanji. “Stay where you are, don’t move,” he mumbles, and even leans on the coat which is still covering Sanji for good measure.

His tone is embarrassed, almost shaken from forced self-control, and Sanji does not like it.

He grimaces, disgusted. “You better not start sneezing on me for the rest of the night, you bastard –  ”

“ – I won’t! Just stay where you are!” He commends, though he is too breathless to have any effect.

He suspiciously sounds to Sanji like he _is_ holding in something like that, but he does not say anything further and just lies on his back, waiting.

Then Zoro releases a long, deep-throated sigh, and Sanji frowns in bewilderment. What was it that he could relieve himself by so fast? He did not hear him moving at all, not even to scratch an embarrassing area.

Staring at the shift of the light from the hearth on the floor, Sanji suddenly notices that there is something weird about it- there is something untypical in the way the flames moves.

He sits up himself and turns around to the fireplace.

The bonfire seems to try to stretch itself up as much as it can in an attempt to reach to a new fueling source: a purple cloud, which is thick enough to stick as it comically struggles to make its way out through the chimney. After a few moments, it succeeds to fully shove itself up, and the fire shrinks back down, almost as in a sigh of defeat.

Sanji swallows, finally comprehends. “It’s midnight already, huh.”

Zoro does not reply, but Sanji is not ready to move on after hearing how much relief Zoro heaved when the endeavour to let it out of him was finally over.

“Will it really not affect you, if it happens during a fight?”

Zoro gets back under the covers, but does not make any move to get back to wrapping his arm around Sanji just yet. “Not more than what it is taking away for me, which took a toll on me during the practices _preparing_ for those fights.”

It is not like Sanji expected any other answer, as he knows it himself by that point- but there is something else that still bugs Sanji.

“Is it just me, or it’s significantly bigger than when I saw it a couple of months ago? And too stuffy for a gas?”

With no reply coming, Sanji looks over to Zoro- to find him looking away while twisting his mouth. This has to be the reason he did not want him to see it.

“ _It is_?!” Sanji shoves at Zoro’s shoulder, forcing him to face him. “How could you not say anything, you fucking proud idiot?!”

Zoro shakes his head. “Just leave it, okay? We need to get back to – ”

“ – No, shut up! Is Chopper at least aware of this?”

Zoro groans in annoyance. “It doesn’t _always_ get that big. The size depends on the events of the day, it differs according to how much the source of it got my attention.”

So it is something he cannot avoid even when they are not on the ship? And to think _that_ emission, at the first time he has seen it, has seemed to Sanji hard enough to handle.

He goes through everything they have been through that day: there was the battle in the town, which was obviously the reason Zoro wanted whatever-it-is gone, to begin with; and even though passion for fighting can be dangerously distracting during the actual fight, if not encouraging to take things slower just to stretch the moment as much as possible- it is what pushes Zoro toward achieving his ambition, after all.

The reaction he had towards the girl was something Zoro would not fake either. It had to be real.

It could not be the snowstorm as well- the day Sanji found out about it was mostly warm.

Was it the blast, then? Did it remind him of the encounter with Kuma on Sabaody Archipelago two years ago, when they were not strong enough to stop him and the forced separation happened?

It _is_ weird that he has not reacted about it at all, when Sanji thinks about it.

“I warned you not to question me about it, didn’t I?” Zoro reminded him gruffly.

Sanji scoffs. “Considering we’re after a fight, it can seem a bit worrying that your body reacts like that even though you claim you’ve done it for that very reason, don’t you think?”

“It’s just a coincidence- it has nothing to do with what happened there.”

“Not even what happened right at the end of it?”

Zoro now looks right at Sanji daringly. “What are you talking about?”

“The way we flew away by the explosion,” Sanji explains directly; even if it will actually turn out as a trauma for Zoro, then it is not like it can affect him right now. “Are you sure it didn’t make you relive something?”

Right now, Zoro may be huffing out a white breath rather than purple as he disdains the speculation, but even being aware of how momentarily that after-effect is will not calm him down, because sometimes it is those brief moments in this crazy, eventful life they have that matters.

“If something like that scared me, I wouldn’t have the dignity to show my face in front of my Captain again.”

Sanji puts aside for the moment the fact that Zoro understood right away what he was talking about, because if he is not lying out of embarrassment, then the thing that disturbs him more than that is even more worrisome. Sanji has tried long enough to respect Zoro’s wish, but with a piece of evidence like that, he cannot allow Zoro escape that confrontation any longer.

Only there is nothing significant enough from earlier that he can suggest instead, as far as his knowledge of Zoro and his ability to relate things to him goes. From all the things he has shared, none of all the extreme or just plainly unusual occurrences of that day he could have hidden, mixed feelings about.

Speaking of- how could anything even relate to the fact he has stopped staying in the galley until late after dinner?

While Sanji is pondering, Zoro shoves him to the side so they can get back to their previous posture, adjoint. Linking it to his last thought, Sanji suddenly hoped that action is not a flashback for Zoro, to when he used to force himself to spend alone time with Sanji, getting used to being comfortable around him, for the sake of the crew.

No; it can’t be, can it?

It is one thing to not be able to stand someone, even to the point of never calling them by their name – not that Sanji really cared – but _that_ is something entirely objectionable, even if it is only about the fact Sanji watched him defeated by Mihawk, and almost losing his life for it like he has been warned by him that very same day.

“Luffy chooses the crewmates, but the decision to accept them is all of our own,” he firstly affirms, before getting to the point. “But could it be, that despite all the time that has passed- there is still something that made it impossible for you to fully tolerate me?”

Zoro’s eyebrow rises high. “Eh? Has your brain officially frozen?! Don’t we barely have situations like this, where the fight is meaningful and of consequence?”

“Well, there’s gotta be _something_ you dumbly take too seriously.”

Zoro looks right into his eye, and it is not like that has not been the case up until now- but there is something much more piercing about them all of a sudden, enough that Sanji’s heart starts racing.

It is deep, but also brings a sense of déjà vu.

“Used to,” Zoro corrects him, although it takes Sanji a few seconds to grasp what he said, and then to understand what he talked about.

“Mind if we change positions?” Sanji blurts out, almost murmuring at that- but for some reason, he has to have an excuse to move and shift himself so their chests will not be right against each other.

Luckily, Zoro seems to get sick quickly of lying on the side he has taken – or maybe he just wants to be the one with his back to the fireplace instead of his face getting most of the heat – and he accepts the suggestion without saying anything.

But really, what got into Sanji all of a sudden? Why he cannot stand Zoro’s sharp look all of a sudden, like it is worse than having him physically inside his personal space? Especially as it is nothing compared to the hell he has lived through at the Kamabakka Kingdom.

Only the current heartbeats are carrying no feeling of exhaustion like back then, neither excitement which is usually the reason to send his pulse skyrocketing like that. It is something much more melancholic, like his subconscious already knows something he has yet figured out.

That sense of familiarity has to be the key; the reflection of the fire Zoro had in his eye, the way it gleamed by the radiance of his determination, burning bright and strong from within him, rather than the light of the flames.

Considering his achievements, it really is only a matter of time before Zoro overpower even an eternal, inexhaustible force like fire, but what could stand in his way that his god-challenging spirit to filter through like that every time?

Oh, that is it- the previous time he has looked at Sanji like that, where the joke about the ridiculousness  of one or both sides was that dry, was during their very first conversation, all the way back at the Baratie, when Sanji called his decision to put his life on the line for his dream “dumb”.

It was the only time ever where Zoro agreed to a joke on his own expense, until that moment.

Have they been thrown back _that_ far by his yet another dumb decision?

But the real reason to cause Sanji’s heart to beat so painfully at him was to direct him to a memory of a nearer event: of the second time he looked at him with similar fashion, only with persistence combined with the ever-self-confidence instead of hostility, since he could trust Sanji to know him enough by that point, unlike the first time.

No, those were completely different kinds of gazes- both of them happening only one time.

But what was the one from the present does not matter, because the point is the answer _is_ within Sanji’s grasp. Even if it is not Sanji himself, it is at least something that he is one of the few people who could awaken within Zoro an impassable obstacle.

“Well, goodnight then,” Zoro mutters as they are both completely settled by now, with all the covering clothes organized as before.

“No, wait,” Sanji objects, now actually patting his back to make sure he really will not fall straight asleep. Things really start getting worse for Sanji, as he feels like he would not mind keeping his palm like that, if he knew he had the other’s consent.

As it continues to go like that, even though he hates to admit it- the feel of the skin just within his reach will be something that he will probably unconsciously seek during sleep as well- cue awkward moment first thing they wake up. Ugh, if only he noticed that annoying need to avoid a situation like that, when all he can do is expect the unavoidable to happen.

Zoro groans, luckily in as much of a bad mood as him, although while exasperated by another kind of lack of control. “I know delayed gratification isn’t healthy. Everyone made me aware of it for just enough amount of times. Happy now? Tch, seriously, just because we're sharing space doesn't mean no privacy.”

“ _It does_ if it affects you like that. I trust you that you want the best to the crew and that you avoid anything that will cause harm, but not that you knew _exactly_ what you were doing to be able to handle it well.”

Sanji does not know enough to feel like Zoro necessarily deserves to be pushed to the corner like that, but that really is not the issue, and he will not stop stressing it out for him. It really is only about knowing what kind of person he is now, because, lacking whatever piece of himself it is, this is not really Roronoa Zoro anymore but someone _like_ the real self.

As for now, it is hard to know if Zoro understands this yet or now, as he only observes him quietly, almost searching for something- possibly both in Sanji’s eyes and inside himself, or more correctly, at the part of his essence he has not silenced.

Surprisingly, there is a smile on his face, weird as it may be, now that he shakes his head at him, like there is something that can finally make him react like that while discussing that troubling subject. “It’s fine, Cook. Besides that purple thing, having it back won't change anything. Not about my condition, and not about the position it puts me in. There will never be a chance for that.”

Zoro proceeds with closing his eye, like whore words are enough to be an end of the matter. But if anything, it drives Sanji even more agitated, as he finally he got something close to a clue.

Something involving him, which has possibly reoccurred and so repeated a certain thought once again that day- but somehow also has to have no chance to actually happening.

In any case, it cannot have something to do with the last hour of the day and how they ended up; no matter how much Sanji personally considers it as an extreme situation. As unlikely of a scenario as it is for them, there is no way, so long Zoro does not hate him, that this alone could affect him _that_ much-

Unless...

Then it dawns on him, and with that, even with a satisfying amount if warmth, Sanji gets chills again- this time from the inside.

His face is probably white, too, because Zoro opens his eye suddenly, looking incredibly frightened.

Before Sanji knows it, he is being embraced even tighter- _hugged,_ and it could not be a worse time for that.

“What the hell, Dumb Cook! You're shaking so much that you stopped breathing!”

“Zoro.”

As though the voice alone – the same tone Sanji would use to ask him to leave his reaction for now, only it came out sounding too much tiredly – is enough for Zoro to know what Sanji has concluded, he slowly lets go of Sanji.

For the first moments, Sanji was only full of dread by the mere idea, but that reaction from Zoro just now must confirm it: all along it _was_ about his feelings concerning Sanji that he wanted to get rid of, only they were the exact opposite of negative ones.

Not only Zoro did not use to stay late with him at the Galley to build a solidarity, not only he has ever had a lack of approval- but something in him went a step ahead than a simple sense of brotherhood; more than a simple step, seeing as Zoro prefers just the exact amount he needs out of everything.

In other words, instead of simply not minding him, Sanji was too much for Zoro in the regard that he wanted him closer to him that he wanted him afar.

And that is something he really does not know what to think about- not that it is a possible task with his dizzy mind to begin with.

Then, unsurprisingly, Zoro sighs so deeply that it could almost make him release another purple steam, at least as big as his last one. He then changes his position to have his back to Sanji, and waits until Sanji himself reciprocates it; they are still skin-to-skin, and enough in each other’s space to share body heat, but at least their hands are completely free to themselves- which lets Sanji press them against his terribly aching chest.

He cannot believe they are going to stay like that for all those hours, like it is not hard enough to try not to start thinking about all of this, and about how it does not make sense at all –

There, he already begins with it. He should stay rational and clear, and focus on the things that are actually critical and important, rather than himself.

“Tomorrow, no, this day’s midnight, you won’t be able to fight,” he notes weakly.

Zoro makes yet another uncontented sound. “I’m not that handicapped. I’ll be fine.”

“Save it. Remember at the size of that thing you had to blow out after being close to me for what, less than half an hour? It wasn’t smooth at all. What do you think will happen after _an entire night_ like this?”

“I’ve already fitted my trainings for something like that- I can be much more distracted, and act with my body under a much more pressure, and still use my Observation Haki good enough to not get any surprise attack. Those few seconds are nothing.”

“And if this time they aren’t?” Sanji asks through gritted teeth; he usually avoids what-ifs questions, but he cannot help the anger right now. “Few seconds can cost you everything.”

“I told you already- it won’t cost any more than what it almost did before. I’ll show you at our next fight and prove it to you.”

But before Sanji can say something against it, Zoro continues.

“But I do have to be honest, this is my bad for having it- ” he pauses for a moment before correcting himself: “ _Feeling it,_ to begin with. Also, maybe I should’ve to tell you about that from the beginning as well, so I could put you in peace much sooner. I misjudged you for thinking you’ll be too disgust and in shock to keep only minding about the aftereffect. At least you see why the crew is really better off like that, it really shouldn’t matter to you, or anyone else.”

Sanji knows that he is right; it really should not.

So he waits, forcing himself to focus on the sound of Zoro’s breaths turning slower and longer, until they eventually become snores, to make sure he will not think about it. If he was not too used to the sound of snores from the boys’ room by that point, maybe it could somehow distract him.

Furthermore, averting his attention to elsewhere in the environment around him, rather than the storm waiting for him inside, makes him to also be very aware of the way Zoro’s back is being rubbed against his as it rises and falls, just like the knowledge itself, which he is trying to ignore, is thrusting itself again and again into his mind.

Although it may be hard to really grasp it all at that point – that it does not just have something to do with him, as he suspected, but much more than he can allow himself to think about it right now – that still does not mean that it will take that much time. The concept itself is for sure the most natural thing for Sanji, after all, and so, too easy to accept. Positive things, even if in this case it will not necessarily do good for him, rarely stay within his grasp for long, unless they are as persistent as the shitty old man.

So, for now, it seems like all he can do in order to pass the night in peace of mind – not disrespecting Zoro with thoughts about the matter itself, that is – is concentrating solely on himself- what he can do so Zoro will be the better man out of the two of them just this once, as the one who understands that issue is not interesting at all, and should be quickly forgotten.

Yes, even if it goes against his principles- every reason he has had to be against Zoro's move. Knowing the truth, none of them is relevant anymore. If he has a reason to not be indifferent to it, then it should be because he is relieved for Zoro's decision, even proud of him for once.

And even if he is as weak as Zoro has been and is developing thoughts he now has to conceal, there is still no way Sanji cannot outdo him by hiding them from himself on his own.

As he cannot give up, from this point he indeed manages to not think about it directly, and so does not know why it disturbs it so much.

Only, under the surface of his consciousness, it gets worse by the minute, like he is trapped and about to suffocate, and knows that denial is the first step of grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Find me on Tumblr](https://heavensentgohansrage.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> [Find me on Tumblr](http://heavensentgohansrage.tumblr.com/)


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